DOOM: The Dark Ages

Alright, let’s dissect this masochistic carnival of a Steam library to see if you’re even remotely prepared for the unapologetic meat grinder that is DOOM: The Dark Ages. You’ve got *Monster Hunter Rise* and *World* clocking in like a part-time job, which tells me you enjoy meticulously crafting gear for fictional beasts instead of, say, filing taxes or maintaining relationships. DOOM doesn’t care about your build optimization spreadsheet. It wants you to rip demons apart with a shotgun-chainsaw hybrid while heavy metal blares so loud it vaporizes your inner monologue. Your *Elden Ring* and *Baldur’s Gate 3* achievements scream *‘I tolerate suffering for lore crumbs,’* but DOOM’s ‘story’ is just a loading screen that says **‘HELL EXISTS. KILL IT.’** No NPCs to romance, no moral dilemmas—just a gun and a universe that owes you pain. Speaking of pain, your *ARK: Survival Evolved* playtime suggests you’ve willingly drowned in janky dinosaur taming simulators for years. DOOM, meanwhile, is the antithesis of patience: it’s a 12-hour adrenaline seizure where ‘crafting’ means turning a Baron of Hell into a piñata. And let’s not ignore *Terraria*—a game where you probably spent 21189 minutes digging holes to avoid sunlight. DOOM’s ‘exploration’ is finding which wall secret hides the BFG before your spleen becomes a chew toy. Your achievement list? A shrine to grinding for trinkets like ‘Gold Ecologist’s Award’ and ‘Anomaly Research Report.’ DOOM’s achievements have names like **‘KILL EVERYTHING’** and **‘KILL EVERYTHING AGAIN BUT ANGRIER.’** It doesn’t reward your completionist Stockholm syndrome; it mocks it. Even *Muse Dash*’s rhythm-game reflexes won’t save you here—DOOM’s ‘difficulty’ isn’t about precision, it’s about surviving the sensory overload of a demonic rave where you’re the piñata. You’ve mastered games that demand chessmaster strategy or zen-like patience, but DOOM? It’s a caveman’s power fantasy. It doesn’t want your ‘skill.’ It wants your rage.